I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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