People in love make me want to vomit
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
be right there i have to get my cape
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
