Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
