I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i just had sex bonerless
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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