I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
