someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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