I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
