On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
