I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
