Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
