the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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