you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Randomize
