forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
