there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
