i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Randomize
