yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
