I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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