I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
