Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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