Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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