i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
