Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
