When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
