i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
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