come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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