My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
