I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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