This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
