I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
