I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
