AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
