There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
