im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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