the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
