i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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