the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
