Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
BRING THE BAGELS
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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