I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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