you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
