Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
