you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
