Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
