I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
