I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
