You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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