I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
