if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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