god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
