his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Randomize
