I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
