She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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