I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I wear drunk well.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
