dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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