Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
